MST: Mysteries Shouldn't Tickle
by LavenderCrystalOfRoses
Summary: Twilight and Co. are watching a movie about themselves! Oh, joy! So...why is Rainbow Dash not happy? Why is Fluttershy dressed as a ladybug? And what do Aliens have to do with any of this?
1. Prologue: And Rarity's A Parrot?

"So This is the way it is?" Rainbow Dash asked desperately, one dark circle eye twitching. She hadn't slept in days.  
Twilight sighed. "I'm afraid so. I'm so sorry, Rainbow Dash."  
Rainbow Dash sank down, using three of her legs to grasp the tree branch she was balanced on, pointing one hoof up at the heavens.  
"CURSE YOU ALIENS! CURSE YOOOUUUUUUUU!"  
"Why do the Poopheds have to be this way?" Scootaloo muttered behind her, depressed.  
A fair ways away on the ground, Fluttershy turned to Rarity. "How did it come this far?" She whispered, pulling an antenna self-consciously.

Rarity adjusted her parrot costume. "Oh, this itches so!" She seethed. "I wish we'd never watched that confounded movie!"

Confused? Ah, that is to be expected. Well, let us go back about two weeks, where it all began…


	2. It Fell From The Sky

_Two weeks ago_

Twilight Sparkle skipped out of her home. _What a beautiful day to check the mail,_ she thought. She was already looking forward to the day ahead. After she was all done with checking the mail, she'd eat a delicious of breakfast of oatmeal, then have a few hours of studying! Then, that afternoon, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Applejack were coming over for a relaxing evening together.

Twilight sighed happily and took in a moment to savor the sunshine. Ah yes, life was perfect.

 _Bonk._

OK, almost perfect.

"What in Equestria?" Twilight muttered rubbing her head, examining the package before her. It hard and rectangular, and it…

 _"What in Equestria?!_ " The wrapping was colorful and flashy, with large, bright text, stating:

 _Harmony's Heroes_

Centered on it was a picture of Pinkie Pie with Fluttershy cowering behind her, and Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight looking around watchfully.

"What is this…?" Realization slowly dawned on her.

Twilight burst into the castle, levitating the item in front of her.  
"Spike, take notes quickly!" Twilight called.  
"What is it, Twi?" Spike asked, rubbing his eyes, not quite awake.  
Twilight grinned. " _This."_ She said, levitating _Harmony's Heroes_ in front of his face. _  
_Spike scratched his head. "I don't understand."  
"It's called a _tape,_ Spike! Don't you remember We learned all about it when we went through the portal to the Human World! Don't you remember?"  
"No…"  
"The time with the Dazzlings?" Twilight prompted.  
"Noo…Wait, was that the night I went with Rarity when she had to work overtime at the Boutique?"  
Twilight pondered for a second. "I think so...Oh, that explains it...Well! They show these stories on a screen, and it's _amazing!_ It's like an actual story! Oooh, and Pinkie Pie (the human one) showed me this movie-"  
"What's a movie?"  
"A tape, Spike. Dah."Said Twilight, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
"Oh." Spike nodded sagely, still confused.  
"This movie about a guy gets turned into a werewolf, and then he has to figure out how to turn back to normal and-"  
"Wow."  
"I KNOW!" Twilight squealed. "It was amazing! Now the question is," She said, placing it on her desk, "What is one doing in Equestria?"  
"Where'd you find it?"  
"It hit me on the head as I was walking out to check the mail!" Twilight said.

"OK then...Wait, why are you guys on the cover?"  
"That's what I need to find out!" Twilight said, getting out lab equipment. "Let's see, first I'll dust it for fingerprints, then I can do some salinity tests, carbon-copies-"  
"Wouldn't it be easier just to watch it?" Spike asked.

Twilight turned to her number one assistant, a huge, huge grin on her face.

"THAT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA!"  
"Uh-oh…"


	3. Ponies Are Intrigued

_Evening, The Same Day_

"So what are y'all so excited about, Twi?" Applejack asked. "Ah Just see a strange lookin' box, with a picture of us on it."

"Hey, how come I'm not in the picture?" Rainbow Dash complained.

"I don't know." Twilight told her, wondering herself. "It's called a tape."

She quickly explained what a tape was and how she'd come across it.

"So it's like it's happenin' except it's not happenin'?" Applejack pondered.

"It's like a play, only with no stage because it would be really awkward to fit a stage in your living room because the whole point of not

having a stage is so that you won't have to have a stage!" Pinkie Pie gasped.

"Umm, yes, Pinkie." Twilight agreed, amazed. It was the exact explanation human Pinkie had given when showing her own tapes to Twilight. Go figure.

"Anyway, I was going to do some tests on this, but Spike and I figured that it might be fun if we had a movie night with you girls!"

"What's a movie?" Rarity wanted to know.

"It's the same thing as a tape, Rarity." Spike explained airily.

"I see."

"So yall're goin' ta watch this movie for our evenin' get together?" Applejack asked.

"Well, yes!" Twilight nodded. "I mean, if that's OK with you guys."

"Sure thing!" Rainbow Dash nodded.

"Why not?" Applejack consented.

"Of course." Rarity nodded. "Oh, I do hope that we are portrayed correctly." She examined her picture closely.

"Aw, why'd that be a problem?" Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

"Says the pony who couldn't even make it to the box art!" (Rainbow Dash huffed loudly and tossed her head)

"And why am I clinging to Applejack, it just is a rather demeaning posture...well, I don't know, we shall see."

"I'll do it if you want, Twilight." Fluttershy said tentatively. "Oh-unless it's scary. Is it scary?"

"Hmmm…" Twilight realized she had absolutely no clue.

She flipped the box over, looking for clues.

The box art read,

 _The Elements Of Harmony, Twilight Sparkle (Holly Lintstring) Fluttershy (Francis Whispwind) Rarity (Claribelle Ringer) Applejack (Apple Singer) and Pinkie Pie (Madella Lilies)_

 _All star in this brand new adventure! After a brutal breakup, the gang must put their differences aside and solve one last friendship problem! But who is pulling the strings!?_

 _Find out in Harmony's Heroes!_

 _YA-13_

There were a list of a few more strange names on the bottom, and a short disclaimer.

"Well, it doesn't seem to scary." Twilight mused.

Fluttershy smiled. "Oh thank goodness. I'll do it then, Twilight."

"So we get to do it?! YIPPEE! I'll get popcorn! And cakes! And piecakes! And cupcakes! Yummyyumyum!" Pinkie Pie cartwheeled away. "You go

get it set up, girls!"

"OK, so what do we do now, Twi?" Applejack asked. "What do we do with that thingamajig?"

"Hmmm…" Twilight thought. "Rainbow, doesn't the town hall have an old projector that they sometimes let us borrow?"

"Well, we did have an old projector." Rainbow Dash offered, before she remembered. "Before someone broke it anyway." She gave Spike a hard look.

Spike blushed. "Sorry?"

"I thought you had it replaced." Twilight said.

"I dunno, Twi…" Rainbow said. "I wanna see this thing and all, but the new projector is like brand new, and Mayor Mare would be really mad. The old one was different because it was on its last legs, but-"

"No, no, you misunderstand me, Rainbow. Where did you get the new projector?"

"Down the street from the dance studio-whoa!"

Five minutes later, Twilight sped back in with a brand new projector.

"Uh, Twilight?" Spike asked. "Isn't this a little extreme for one little movie thing?"

"Oh, not at all, Spike!" Twilight beamed. "Think of all we can learn from this!"

Spike rubbed his forehead. Whenever Twilight got like this, things sometimes got rather...out of hand.

"Well, what are we waitin' for! Let's go!" Applejack shouted as Twilight carefully unwound the tape from the, well, tape, and began stringing it around the projector.

"Oooh, I'm so excited!" Pinkie squealed.

 _Maybe I'm just imagining it,_ Spike decided. _What could go wrong?_


	4. It Begins

_Five Minutes Later_

"It's ready!" Twilight sang.  
"OK, now what?" Asked Rainbow Dash.

"Now, we play it."  
"Play?" Applejack asked, confused. "Ah thought we were watchin' a movie."  
"Do make up your mind, dear." Rarity added.

"It's terminology for-forget it. Everyone settled?"  
Everyone nodded. Twilight positioned the projector infront of a bare wall, and extended her hoof to the _On_ button…

But...

"Hey, Applejack!" A small voice cried. Applejack got up suddenly. "Applebloom?"

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were standing at the door, covered with grass stains and tree  
"We were wonderin' if we could use the projector you have upstairs to watch this movie we found on the ground!" Sweetie Bell explained.

"G-Girls...how did you know that it was a movie?"  
"Aw, shucks, it was easy! It said so right on the cover!" Apple Bloom explained.

Sweetie Bell used her magic to levitate their box up to their noses. Twilight looked closer. Below the Flashy title, in smaller, more ordinary print, were the words, _A Movie._

"Oh…" Twilight blushed. "That's how."  
"And then we saw the film inside and realized that it could work on a projector or something!"  
"Please, Twi? Could we?" Apple Bloom begged. "We could get our projectorin' cutie marks!"  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Said Rainbow Dash. "You had a perfectly projector upstairs?!"  
"Um," Twilight blushed. "I forgot."  
"You forgot." Applejack repeated.

"Why don't you watch it with us down here, Sweetie?" Rarity asked.

"That's OK, sis! We wanna figure this out ourselves!" Sweetie Bell explained cheerfully.  
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER PROJECTOR OPERATORS, YAY!" They scampered up a staircase.  
Twilight shrugged. "Well, I don't see why it would do any harm."  
"OK! Let's get this thing started!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

Twilight checked for any more signs of interruption, but none could be heard.

She took a deep breath and pressed _On._


	5. Are They, Or Aren't They?

he room darkened. Tense music began to play.

Large words appeared on the screen:

 _HARMONY'S HEROES_

The view cut down so the ponies could see Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Twilight Sparkle standing in front of a dark cave.

"It's us!" Was all Applejack could manage. "Well how about that?"

"Except for Rainbow Dash and I." Rarity said. "Where are we?"

"It's not quite us." Fluttershy said, as the screen cut to Rarity, who was being held captive by Diamond Dogs. "I mean, it's obviously supposed to be us, but you can tell that whatever is playing our parts isn't exact copies."

"So that rules out changelings." Said Twilight, busily taking notes.

 _Applejack seemed to be the ones making calls._

 _"Fluttershy, fly above the Diamond Dogs!"_

 _"Oh, dear, Oh, dear, do I have to?" Fluttershy whispered._

 _"Yes, Fluttershy."_

 _"But that's where the big meanie-beanie Diamond Doggies are!" Pinkie pouted._

 _ _"Pinkie, Fluttershy, Ah know yer scared but there's nothin' ta be done. Rarity's in a_ pinch, and we need you two to stick to the plan."_

Pinkie turned to Fluttershy. "Meanie Diamond Doggies?! Nooo!" She dove into her popcorn, submerging herself completely, poking her muzzled out a second later.

"Oh, dear. I hope nobody's going to get hurt." Real Fluttershy whispered.

"Don't worry," Said Applejack proudly. "Ah'm sure movie me knows what she's doin'...Whatever she's doin'." She said, watching her film counterpart and Twilight putting up some sort of contraption.

 _"Alright Pinkie," Twilight called. "It's all up to you!"_

 _"Do I have tooooo?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"But what about the meanie-beanie diamond doggies!?"_

 _"Pinkie," Twilight called._

 _"Whaaaaaaaaaaat?"_

 _"I'll give you a cupcake if you can do this." Movie Twilight held up a cupcake. It was a very nice cupake, golden brown and moist, with perfectly proportioned pink frosting…_

 _"YAY!" Pinkie shouted. She grabbed a stray rope hanging, swinging on it, setting what seemed to be the apple family ciderpress into motion, soaking the Diamond Dogs and Rarity._

Applejack frowned. "That's a waste of perfectly good cider."

"And it will take her forever to get out of her coat!" Rarity groaned.

 _Movie Rarity acted as Real Rarity would-with disgust. The Diamond dogs backed away in confusion, stumbling on a tripwire that Applejack yanked, falling into some barrels which were then tightly kegged. The diamond dogs struggled, but to no avail._

"Well, isn't that somethin'!" Applejack said, watching as her movie counterpart ran to Rarity and untied her.

 _"Oh, Applejack, thank you!" Rarity gave Applejack a big hug._

 _Applejack returned Rarity's embrace and nuzzled her cheek . "Aw, it was nuthin." She said, face going slightly pink._

 **Screech-**

"Wait, wait, hold the phone." Rainbow Dash called, stopping the projector. "Is it just me, or are they...with eachother?"

Twilight shrugged. "Well, they could be just flirting. But honestly, Applejack and Rarity aren't dating as far as I can tell...are you guys?"

"Well now." Rarity said, giving Applejack a coy look, "I can certainly think of worse ponies to be 'With'."

"Me too, Rarity." Applejack said fondly, as Spike could be heard indignantly huffing from the side of the couch.

Twilight stared at them for a second, before pressing the Play button.

"EW, ARE THEY _NUZZLING_!?" Sweetie Bell could be heard on the floor above.

"Gross! Ah thought this was fer kids!"

Rarity chuckled. "Well, I do believe Sweetie and the others figured out how to use the projector."


	6. Arguments and Other Assorted Oddness

" _Well, that was a good job y'all! You did great! My plan worked perfectly, not to brag." Applejack said boastfully._

 _Twilight glared at her. "Well, it's a little too late for that," She answered snippily, "Because it wasn't your plan at all to begin with! I thought of it!"  
Applejack looked at her. "Well, you did do the technical doohickeys I 'spose. Ah, on the other hand, saw it through from start to finish."_

"Technical doohickeys?" Twilight muttered. "What is with her? Oh-No offense, Applejack."  
"None taken, Twi." Applejack assured. "Ah think that turkey oughta be taken down a few pegs myself."  
" _Technical doohickeys?! What is with you?" Movie Twilight shouted. "Without those 'technical doohickeys' there would have been no plan! Then what would you have done, one of your silly rope tricks?" She scoffed._

Gasps heard from all around the room, and a few uncomfortable half-looks at Twilight.

"I enjoy Applejack's rope tricks! I respect Applejack's skill with the rope, OK?!"  
"On second thought, Twilight, I'm not sure that I'm really liking this movie after all." Fluttershy squeaked. "I mean, it's just-ponies are being so-" She whimpered softly and quieted. Rainbow Dash wrapped a comforting hoof around her shoulder.

" _OK, everyone, let's just settle down." Movie-Fluttershy said, trying to make peace, but nobody could hear her._

" _Oh, so ya don't like mah rope tricks, do ya?" Applejack snapped.  
_ " _All I'm saying is,_ Applejack, _is that perhaps_ I _want credit where credit is due." Twilight snapped back._

" _Well,_ Twilight, _ah think that you need to settle down a bit!"  
_ " _Applejack? Darling?" Rarity whispered. "Perhaps you ought to hear Twilight out?"_

"That's a mighty fine idea." Applejack commented.

 _Her movie counterpart thought otherwise.  
_ " _Oh, so yer gonna take_ her _side, are ya?" Applejack shouted._

 _Rarity shrunk back. "Well, er-"  
Pinkie Pie squeaked. "Gummy, I don't like where this is going at all!" _

" _Everybody, please!" Fluttershy shouted. "Please, oh please don't fight! We don't have to be like this. You all play equally important roles in the matter. Applejack is the leader, Twilight is the smart one, and Rarity...Rarity…"  
_ " _I'm the mare who always gets in trouble!" Rarity wailed. "Why am I the one who always gets kidnapped! It's not fair! Can't someone else get a turn?"  
_ " _It's not our fault you're always getting kidnapped!" Twilight said. "If you want to stop being the useless one, then actually start helping and thinking for yourself!"  
_

" _That's it!" Rarity stomped her hoof. "If you can't appreciate me, then I am OUT of here!"  
_ " _No, Rarity, please don't go!" Fluttershy said. "We're friends, and friends stick together!"  
_ " _Oh, I'm sorry, darling. It's not you. It's just that if I have to spend one more second with_ those _ruffians-" Rarity pointed a hoof at Twilight and Applejack. She stomped off.  
_ " _You know what? I'm outa here too!" Applejack stomped off.  
Fluttershy looked pleadingly at Twilight._

 _"I guess this is goodbye." Twilight answered coldly._

 _She spread her wings and flew off, leaving only Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. The party pony's hair was straight and her eyes were downcast._

 _Fluttershy turned to her friend, eyes wet with unshed tears. "I guess it's just us now."_

 _Pinkie hung her head sadly._

The sad scene solemned the entire group.

Then...

"Wait a second." Twilight said. "I didn't get made the princess of _Friendship_ to run away from issues like this!"

"Ah can't believe Ah'd be so unfair about who did what!" Applejack snorted. "Don't Ah know anythin' 'bout teamwork in this here tape?"

"Why do I have to be such a big mopey-wopey?" Pinkie huffed, crossing her arms.

"And where am I?" Rainbow Dash wanted to know. "Did I go AWOL or something?"

"How could we be so callous?" Rarity moaned. "And I do not always get kidnapped! There was one time with the Diamond Dogs, and I thought I handled myself _quite_ well!"

"Maybe if we watch the rest of the movie we'll find out." Fluttershy suggested timidly.

The others heartily agreed.

"I certainly hope so!" Rarity responded.

"Knowing us, we'll have this figured out in a jiffy!" Twilight added confidently,

The screen darkened with the caption,

 _Many Moons Later_

"Uh-Oh." Said Twilight, worried. "Maybe this will take a bit after all."


	7. Fluttershy's Dilemma

**A/N: I just realized that I've gone this entire story without an author's note so far. I'm sorry.**

 **WELL, then...I'm trying to get this published on Fimfiction as well. Not having much luck, but...well...a pegasister can hope, can't she? Um, anyway, enjoy.**

"How many moons is 'many moons' anyway?" Rainbow Dash wanted to know.

"Sshh! Maybe we'll find out with we watch it." Applejack hushed.

 _Pinkie and Fluttershy were sitting by a table in a store. Between them was a very large, multilayered cake.  
_ " _This is the life, huh, Fluttershy?" Pinkie cheered.  
_ " _Mmm-hmm!" Fluttershy nodded, smiling, cutting herself a small slice. Pinkie downed the rest in one gulp._

"Well, I guess it was quite a few moons."  
"Maybe they made up, and we're just...together." Fluttershy said.  
" _Carpe Diem!" Pinkie shouted happily, waving the waiter down._

" _Oh, Ms. Pinkie." A gentlecolt stopped the waiter cold._

" _Make it quick, dude! We have cake to munch!"  
The Gentlecolt gave them both a diminutive look. "I am not Dude. _Dude _hereby summons you to solve a Friendship Case."_

"What kind of a name is 'Dude'?" Rainbow Dash scoffed.

"Ssshhh!"

" _Oh, I don't know." Fluttershy murmured. "We stopped with that business a few years ago." She sighed.  
_ "Dude _insists."_

"Sheesh, what a snot!"  
"Rainbow Dash!"

 _Pinkie Pie rubbed her chin. "Will there be cake?"  
The gentlecolt sighed. "All the cake you can eat."  
_" _Are you sure?" Pinkie narrowed her eyes. "Because we can eat a lot of cake, can't we, Fluttershy?"  
_ " _Yes, sir." Fluttershy nodded. "We certainly can."  
The Gentlecolt sighed. "All the cake you can eat." He promised. "_Twice _over."_

 _Pinkie Pie slowly grinned. "Sir, I do believe we have a deal."_

 _The scene cut to Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in a small Pegaport._

 _Pinkie Pie was reading a comic book, and Fluttershy was checking their boarding passes._

 _Neither noticed when Applejack sat next to them._

"OOh, goodie goodie gumdrops!" Pinkie Pie squealed. "Applejack's back!"

 _Applejack's eyes shifted over to the group. "Why hello, Pinkie."  
_ " _Hello,_ Jackie." _Pinkie's eyes narrowed._

" _Oh, Applejack," Fluttershy began, "It's so nice-" She didn't get any further before a pink hoof was stuffed into her mouth._

"Well _that's_ not very nice." Pinkie said.

 _Fluttershy looked at Pinkie imploringly, but Pinkie merely shook her head._

" _Hi, Fluttershy," Said Applejack calmly._

" _Hi, Applejack," Fluttershy said eagerly. "It's so great to-oh. Right." She mumbled as Pinkie glowered at her._

" _S-So, Pinkie." Fluttershy said, "What's happening, in that, uh, comic?"  
_ " _Comic, huh? C'mere, Fluttershy, us adults can sit together."  
_ " _Oh...Oh...Well, that's very kind of you but…" Fluttershy began._

" _Fluttershy!"_ _Pinkie hissed.  
_ " _S-sorry!" Fluttershy squeaked._

" _Don't apologize, Fluttershy," Applejack said coolly.  
_ " _O-Oh, but-" Fluttershy started._

" _I'm terribly sorry, but could all of you scoot over a teeny bit?" Another familiar voice queried._

" _Rarity?!" Three voices said._

 _Fluttershy smiled welcomingly at her, but Applejack and Pinkie Pie yanked her back and glowered at each other._

 _Fluttershy glanced around, tears forming in her eyes. Whenever she made contact with anypony, she was immediately got a glare from the other two._

 _Finally, she sank down, pulling her mane over her face._

"Whoa, whoa, why are they messin' with my pal Fluttershy?!" Rainbow Dash demanded indignantly.

"They practically made her cry, the poor dear! Shame on them! And they're supposed to be us?!" Rarity was not amused.

"BOO! BOOO!" Shrieked Pinkie.

"Oh, my goodness, I didn't mean to cause any trouble." Fluttershy whispered, looking upset.

"You did nothing Fluttershy. You _or_ that Fluttershy." Twilight reassured.  
"Yeah, and plus you're the only one on there who's acting normal." Rainbow Dash added.

"Ah just hope that these three get their comeuppance." Applejack added, "Cause that just didn't feel quite right."

 **A/N: I gotta say, the cheesy movie dialogue is uber-fun to write.**


	8. Señor The Dude

" _Well, well, what are you girls doing here?" Rarity asked primly. "I'm on my to an amusement park to solve a friendship case."  
Applejack pressed her nose to Rarity's face. "Well that's funny." She grunted. "Because that's where I'm headed to."  
Pinkie glowered at them both. "What do you mean?! That's what WE'RE doing!"  
_" _Could you keep it down?" Said the mare sitting opposite of them, turning around to reveal herself as Twilight._

" _TWILIGHT!" Everyone shouted._

" _Yes, I've been assigned to a case by a Mr. Señor Dude."_

"Señor Dude?" Rainbow Dash guffawed. "Give me a break!"  
"Strange." Twilight murmured under her breath.  
"Señor Dude." Pinkie repeated. "I _like_ it!" She beamed.

" _What do you mean?" Rarity asked. "Do you all mean to say we've all been invited by this same Dude?"_

"Duh." Rainbow Dash answered.

"No, Dude just decided have you all over for a little tea-party." Rarity answered sarcastically.

 _More glaring and bickering ensued._

 _Finally they all scooted away from each other. Twilight and Rarity moved in the same direction and knocked horns._

" _Ow!"  
_ " _Watch it!"  
They looked up and made eye contact._

" _Rarity." Twilight dipped her head._

" _Twilight." Rarity answered coolly._

" _So, where's your_ new _little pack of bodyguards?" Twilight snarked._

" _What do you mean?" Rarity asked, with faux-curiosity. "I've been making it by myself."  
_ " _Really?" Twilight asked. "I have trouble believing that."  
_ " _Truly. I've been taking self-defense classes." Her eyes narrowed. "Just try me, Twilight Sparkle."  
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Sorry, I've got a carriage to catch." She stomped off. _

_As it turned out, the ponies all had the same flight. There was no indication of all long the trip took, there were only a few arbitrary shots of burly pegasi pulling a flying carriage, and some pans of the five passing the time before the carriage was shown landing._

 _Fluttershy and Pinkie grabbed their luggage, and glanced around them. It didn't take long for them to spot a butler (Who seemed to be the one from the restaurant) standing next to a fancy carriage holding up a large sign that read,_

 _HARMONY'S HEROES_

" _Oh, classy," Pinkie said, as she pronked over. The Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight had noticed the sign and were making there way in the direction._

 _Waiting inside was Dude, a huge, light brown earth pony._

" _Ah," He said, "You must be what they call, Harmony's Heroes?"_

 _Twilight nodded. "Yes. You called all of us?"_

 _Dude nodded. "Of course." He said. "Now, if you'll look out the window you'll see the amusement park I own."_

" _Wow!" Pinkie stuck her head out the window to indeed see a large Fun-Park, situated on a large beach crowded with ponies, overlooked by a huge hotel.  
_ " _What do you see?"  
_ " _A resort." Said Applejack. "An' a beach, and ponies."_

" _Yeah, but they don't look like they're having much fun!" Pinkie pointed out.  
It was true. The patrons were listless, lying around on the beach. To the casual observer, they might have been sunbathing, but a with a closer look one could see rather sallow, unkempt coats and manes, listless eyes, and that they were actually sprawled in rather uncomfortable looking positions._

" _With all due respect, Mr. Dude, ya probably should be callin' a doctor 'bout this, not us." Applejack explained. "This is mighty unnerving, but it just ain't our kind of problem."  
_ " _Applejack, just speak for yourself,_ for once!" _Twilight sniped._

"Here we go again." Applejack muttered.

"Would it kill them to lighten up a bit?" Twilight complained.

" _Well, then be mah guest, Miss Know-It-All!"  
_ " _Fine!"  
_ " _Fine!"  
A beat of silence. Finally Fluttershy murmured, "W-Well, if you need help taking care of the patrons-"  
_" _Don't worry, Mr. Dude. We'll solve this mystery." Twilight told the stallion confidently .  
_ " _Hey." Fluttershy whimpered._

" _Sorry, Fluttershy, but what Mr. Dude has given us is a duty, and I plan to stick to it!"  
Dude smiled. "Excellent." _

_Fluttershy mumbled something and stepped back._

Rainbow Dash paused the tape. "No offense, Twilight, but...you're kind of mean in this thing."  
Twilight felt heat rising to her cheeks. "Hey, wait a second, now." She answered. "That's not-I mean- _Hey!"_

Rarity patted her shoulder. "Join the club, dear. I'm not very happy about my movie self either. So far she's been captured _and_ acted distinctly unladylike on multiple occasions."  
"And what's this baloney 'bout Rarity only just _now_ starting self-defense classes? She's been takin' 'em fer years!" Applejack put in.

"Quite right, Applejack." Rarity agreed.

"It _might_ work Chronologically, depending on how many moons is 'many moons'." Twilight suggested. "But it doesn't seem like any more than a couple years went by...so...I'm stumped." She admitted. "Shall we keep going?"

"YES!" Was the general outcry. Offended as they were, the ponies felt an odd...fascination with their movie selves.

And really, how much worse could it get?

 **A/N: Very. Also, I'm currently looking for a beta for this story, so if anyone would like to help, please PM me?**


	9. Aloofness and Absences

**A/N: Thanks to** **BonBon87** **volunteering to proofread my story!  
Also, Important Note: Story will be on hiatus for three weeks while I'm on vacation. Be cool!**

" _Well, I'm going to solve this Friendship Case first." Twilight declared._

" _Really." Applejack said._

Twilight stood up, angry. "That's not how you solve Friendship problems! By making it a competition, it defeats the very purpose of the concept! And where's the _friendship map_?! What kind of-"  
"Twilight." Said Fluttershy softly, but firmly. She rested a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "Just relax." She said gently.

"Yeah, we're missin' the rest of the movie!" Said Rainbow Dash.

Twilight laughed awkwardly. "Sorry."

" _Neither of you are going to get it done. I am." Said Rarity.  
Twilight and Applejack turned to her in surprise._

" _What?" Rarity sniffed. "You think the pretty pony can't help herself?"  
Twilight chuckled. "Good luck Rarity," She said. "You'll need it."  
Rarity huffed and stomped off.  
Twilight smirked at Applejack and trotted off, already making a checklist of things to do:  
Item 1:  
Interview Patrons:  
_" _Ummm, Hello." Twilight said in a friendly, professional tone. She was at the beach, trying to get the attention of the lethargic pegasus below her. Not having any luck, she finally resorted to giving a good hard poke in the shoulder._

 _He slowly lifted his head. "Uhh…." He said, not quite meeting her gaze, "...Hi?"_

" _Hello!" Twilight Sparkle chirped. "You look rather tired." She said._

" _Oh...yeah...I guess so." The stallion mumbled, dropping his gaze to the ground.  
_ " _Watcha starin' at?" Twilight asked, a bit too cheerfully._

" _I...don't….know..." He face planted in the sand._

" _Ummm...hello?" Twilight asked, nudging him with her hoof again, but this time he didn't react._

" _How goes it, Miss Twilight?" Dude asked, coming up behind her._

" _Oh, Hello, Mr. Dude." Twilight said._

"Wait, now he's _Mr._ Dude?! Who the hay thinks up these names?" Rainbow Dash whispered to Applejack.

"Rainbow!" Applejack hissed. "That's quite enough!"  
" _I'm afraid I'm not having much luck, but I have a plan and I promise that I'll alert you of any new development."  
_ " _Excellent. I cannot thank you enough." Said Dude._

 _Twilight smiled and nodded. "Be seeing you." She turned and walked away.  
Dude stared after her. _

_Then he ran his muzzle down his shoulder._

"OK, what was _that_?" Twilight wanted to know.

Rainbow Dash looked up from the wing she had been preening. "What was what?"  
"That guy just randomly nosed his flank." Twilight said, pausing the projector with her magic.  
"And he didn't take his eyes off of her once! It was crazy!" Pinkie's eyes swirled around their sockets for effect.

"There's somethin' suspicious about that guy." Applejack remarked.

"I think you're making too much of a deal over a simple gesture." Rarity said. "Let us move on."  
"Well, if tapes are anything like comic books, I bet we're gonna see a lot more of Dude in the future." Rainbow Dash said as she relocated a particularly stubborn pinion. "Nopony _ever_ stares after somepony that long unless they're gonna do something important later."

"If that's the case, somebody didn't do much starin' before hand, eh, Rainbow?" Applejack nudged Rainbow Dash.

"I'm going to be in this! Just you wait! I bet I'll be the one who swoops in and saves your sorry flanks when it's all said in done!" Rainbow Dash huffed.

"Maybe you're in Cloudsdale." Twilight suggested, attempting to make peace.

"Yeah, maybe." Rainbow Dash sighed, only slightly satisfied with Twilight's explanation.


	10. Vamponies and Tunas and Dudes, Oh My!

_Item #2. Take samples._

 _Twilight nodded to herself and turned and went on to her next task.  
_ Applejack gently nudged Twilight with her hoof.

"Hmm?" Twilight answered, turning to her friend.

"What kind'o samples would studyin' them sick ponies require exactly?" Applejack whispered, looking rather confused.  
Twilight turned and opened her mouth to respond, but froze when she realized she had absolutely no idea. She turned back to the screen with a confused expression almost identical to Applejack's.

 _They never found out exactly what it would involve, because at that moment that camera had cut away from Twilight and to Rarity, who was very carefully picking her way through the outskirts of the resort. On the opposite side of the sandy, pleasant beaches there was rocky, hilly brush, and Rarity did not seem to appreciate it one bit.  
_ " _I'll show them," She muttered. "I'll show them I can do this, then they'll see." Her voice rose a pitch as she continued mockingly, "Oooh, Rarity's so_ pretty, _so she must be weak. Hmmph. I'll show them. I'll show them a-AAAHHH!"_

The viewers gasped.

 _She held up her hoof for careful inspection. "Oooh, I_ chipped _it." She moaned._

An audible groan of disappointment could be heard from they who had expected great action.

"Why-why-all it takes is technique!" Rarity said. "You just have to apply an extra layer, and watch where you're going! That's all" _  
_" _Hello?" A voice called._

" _H-Hello?" Rarity answered timidly._

 _A small, wiry stallion made his way through the bushes. "Hello, there." He said, gnashing his teeth._

 _Rarity blinked._

" _You do not want to mess with me." Said the stallion menacingly, his horn glowing._

 _Rarity blinked again._

 _The stallion nodded. "Alright, Rixie, show her what we-Rixie? Oh, horseapples."  
_ " _Darling, are you lost?" Rarity asked, looking concerned.  
The stallion started. "Oh," He said. "One of you. I...believe I can help you with something you're looking for, Rarity." _

" _Oh, that would be glorious." Said Rarity. "What's the name of your pedicurist?"  
_ " _What? Urgh-you're even more stupid then she said you'd be. I'm Ooze."_

"What kind of a name is that?" Demanded Rainbow Dash.  
"Ooze. It sounds...oozy!" Pinkie giggled.

"Be nice, you two." Twilight said. "Maybe he's from a different culture."

"I think it's...interesting." mumbled Fluttershy.

 _If you ever need me, just ask around about Tunabutt."_

"Tunabutt!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Yeah, I'd say this guy's from a different culture, Twi." Rainbow Dash said, kicking her hooves back and propping her head up. "From a galaxy far, far, away."  
"Tunabutt." Twilight answered, barely suppressing a laugh. _  
_" _Tunabutt? But what do you-Oh, my."_

 _On Ooze's light blue flank was a very detailed looking fish. Rarity had little knowledge of ichthyology, but she assumed it was a tuna._ Which it was, readers. _  
_" _W-wait, you want to help me wish my friendship problem?"  
_ "Yes." _Ooze sighed. "Now, my friend-buck, where'd she go?"  
_ " _Oh, oh, could you_ maybe _just try and find me-"  
_ " _Look, my friend's around here somewhere." Promised Ooze. "You should run into her quickly enough. Adios." With that he slipped off._

 _Rarity looked at her chipped hoof, then at the resort behind her, then at the brush ahead._

 _Then she nodded her head in determination, and continued through the bushes._

"Wait a second!" Called Spike. "How did that guy know Rarity's name?"  
Silence.

"Well, we seem to be a bit famous over there." Twilight said. "We are 'Harmony's Heroes' after all."  
"We are?" Asked Rainbow Dash.

"We are?" Asked Pinkie.

"Well-in there, we are." Said Twilight, jabbing a hoof at the screen.

"And you do forget that I _am_ making a name for myself in the fashion industry. Perhaps the movie is picking up on that."  
"That guy doesn't look like he's very into that kind of thing." Said Rainbow Dash.

"Dash has a point." Applejack added.  
"Maybe, maybe he just wants to help and see us all back together." Said Fluttershy.

"Yeah, I don't think that's how it's gonna go." Rainbow Dash deadpanned, casting the projection a half-interested look. Pinkie Pie was baking and singing some random little ditty.  
"But wouldn't it be fun if it did?!" Pinkie Pie enthused.

"Eh. Not enough twists. Too predictable."

"Yeah." Said Pinkie, her mane drooping.  
 _SSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP_

The mane six turned back to the screen, where Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were sharing a sundae. _Well, if sharing consisted of Pinkie Pie slurping down the whole thing in one gulp while Fluttershy got a few spoonfuls and a cherry._

 _They smiled at eachother. Then Pinkie Pie waved a bright orange earth pony. At the sight of being noticed by Pinkie Pie, his face turned bright red, and he hastily waved before hurrying off._

"Ten bits says that's the love interest." Rainbow Dash said.

"It's on!" Spike answered.

 _At that moment Dude walked by. Pinkie and Fluttershy waved at him. He glared at them.  
_ " _Any leads?" He asked._

" _Oh! Uh...no."  
Dude gave them a supremely irritated look, before vigorously biting at his shoulder. He got really into it, before noticing he was receiving stares and wandered off, attempting to be inconspicuous._

"OK, then," Twilight commented.

"It _feels_ important," Said Fluttershy, "But I don't know how it would be."

 _Rarity was wandering back through the woods, shivering a bit as a wind blew through the air._

" _Hello?"  
A dark figure was emerging from the shadows. It was much taller and huskier than Rarity, who froze instantly at the sight._

 _It was..._

"TRIXIE!" The mane six shouted together.

 _Well, it might have been Trixie. They had the same coat, mane, and eye color, but much larger and stronger, with a much sharper horn. Her usually perfectly styled mane instead short, wooly, and rather neglected looking, and she wore no hat or cloak. Her cutie mark was different as well, a half moon with a slender black dragon soaring over it instead of its usual._

" _W-Who are you?" Rarity asked, sounding rather nervous._

" _They call me Rixie." Was the answer, and as her mouth parted slightly the mane six got a view of fangs. "I come from zee Vild Vest."_

"Heh, Vild Vest." Twilight murmured, trying to stifle another laugh, which turned into a snort, which increased the volume of Fluttershy and Rarity's titters tenfold, and before anyone knew it everyone was guffawing over the line and the delivery, to the point of where they nearly missed the next part.

 _Rarity, who had somehow managed to stay completely straight-faced throughout Rixie's introduction, asked, "Do you have something to tell me, Rixie?"  
_ " _I think you are vishing to solve a..." Rixie cooed._

" _Friendship Problem?" Rarity suggested._

 _The other mare spat in disgust. "Vhat is vith zee Friendship Problem?" She groused. "The boss must be out of her mind. There is nothing to do with Friendship Here. Just call it a-"  
_ " _There's Friendship_ everywhere, _darling."_ Rarity intoned.

" _Argh! Cease your assault vith your corny harmony phrases! It burns! But if I vere you, I definitely vould not go into...zee caves."  
_ " _Caves?"  
_ " _Ah, yes. Zee caves. No matter how big a lead is in zere. Better safe then dead…"  
_ " _DEAD?!"  
_ " _SShhh…" Rixie whispered. "You might stand a chance if you bring a few friends along. If not-" Rixie made a cutthroat gesture, causing Rarity to gasp. "Good Day, Miss Bell."  
With that, Rixie sauntered off._

" _I don't care what she says." Rarity said determinedly. "I'm going into the caves!"  
_ "Uhh...Rarity, that's actually a pretty bad idea." Rainbow Dash told her.

"Dash is right, why would you take advice from a bad guy?" Fluttershy asked.

"What the hay do you-w-wait, Darlings? When did Rixie become a bad guy? She's been on screen for only two minutes!"  
"Trixie's changed, you two." Said Twilight. "She WAS a bad guy."

"But that's not Trixie, Twi! That's _Rixie!_ With an _R_!"  
"Let's see, almost identical names, suspiciously similar cutie mark, same colors. It's pretty obvious who she's meant to be."

"But she IS different, Twilight,"

"And she completely let her hair go!" Rarity wailed. "Why-why one might mistake her for a _sheep_!"  
"Ah think that's a bit o' a stretch, Rarity." Said Applejack, draping her forehoof over Rarity's neck.

"Well, Perhaps." Said Rarity, snuggling into Applejack's shoulder. "But not much."  
"And she's a vampony!" Continued Rainbow Dash. "Did anyone notice her teeth?"  
"Or her vampony accent?"  
"It's not a 'vampony' accent, it's a 'Trotsylvanian' accent-"  
"That's purty much the same thing, sug," Applejack interjected.  
"AND," Twilight finished, "Vamponies aren't real."

"I was a vampony." Fluttershy whispered.

"You were a _Bat_ pony. That's different."  
"Anything can happen in a story, Twi." Said Pinkie.

"Like _vamponies_!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed triumphantly, rubbing her hooves together with anticipation.

"...Fair enough." Twilight answered after a moment's consideration. "But-But that doesn't mean that she's bad!"

"You just have to put the signs together, Twilight." Said Rainbow Dash solemnly. "And it's as plain as day."

"Yeah." Pinkie agreed. "And who's that 'boss' Rixie was going on about?"  
"Maybe she was talking about Dude." Fluttershy put in timidly.

"Last I checked, Dude was a stallion." Rainbow Dash told her. "We're talking about sompony else." Her eyes narrowed. "Somepony _dangerous."_

"Oh, for heaven's sake, just because she has a superior employee doesn't make her inherently evil." Rarity interrupted. "You need to move on, all these pauses are making the movie difficult to enjoy."  
"Sorry, Rarity." Pinkie Pie said, hanging her head. "We're just trying to interpret the signs as we saw them."  
"According to you, there are signs everywhere." Rarity huffed.

"Yep. Probably," Said Rainbow Dash.

"Indubitably." Rarity answered sarcastically. "May we continue?"  
Nobody had anything else to bring up, so the movie was continued.  
 **A/N: There's something _fishy_ about Tunabutt, eh? ****Reviews are always appreciated! Tell me what you think!**

" _ **I come from zee Vild Vest…"**_

 **-Rixie**


	11. Conjectural Contamination And Convincing

_"Please?"_  
 _"No."_  
 _"Pretty please?"_  
 _"No way."_  
 _"Pretty pretty-"_  
 _"No means no, Rarity." Said Pinkie. "As in noperooni."_  
 _"Oh, but you don't understand!" Rarity wailed. "This is important! For old times sake?"_  
 _"Sorry, Rarity." Said Fluttershy. "We're already searching up here."_  
 _"Well, perhaps we could combine our-wait a second, what are you doing up here?"_  
 _"We think that it's something in the food!" Pinkie Pie said. Fluttershy nodded solemnly._

 _"The food." Rarity repeated._  
 _"You see that guy over there?" She whispered, pointing at a burley unicorn baking cupcakes._

 _Rarity squinted. "Yes…"_

 _"Does he look shifty or what?"_  
 _Rarity took him in. "No, not really…"_  
 _"Maybe at first glance," Fluttershy murmured._

 _"But with we told you," Pinkie whispered, "Every two hours, another pony comes and changes spots with him! THEN, after another two hours, he comes back!"_  
 _Rarity raised her hoof. "Darling, it's called a shift-"_

 _"_ Pinkie works shifts at Sugarcube corner everyday!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "She knows stuff like that!"  
"I dunno, Dashie, maybe it's different in the movie." Said Pinkie Pie.  
 _"And every time he gets back, he's carrying a box...and he never lets anyone see in it!"_

 _"We know because we tried," Fluttershy whimpered. "He yelled at us."_  
 _"Girls, there's a perfectly logical-"_  
 _"And he never wears wears a manenet! Ever! The other guy does, but he doesn't!"_  
 _"Oooh, she's good." Pinkie remarked._

 _"Girls-"_  
 _"We think that he sprays his hair with some kind of reaaalllllyyyy sleepy-tired virus and then when nobody's looking he sprays some of it into the batter!"_

"Nice one, Pinks!" Said Rainbow Dash approvingly.

"But where does wearing a hairnet fit in with that scheme? He wouldn't even be using it on his hair!" Twilight pointed out and was ignored.  
 _Fluttershy nodded. "We think it's best if we stay here and see if their are any more clues."_  
 _"Alright then," Said Rarity, "If you think there's something suspicious about the food that stallion is preparing, then why are you eating it?"_  
 _Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy froze and turned to her. Pinkie was in the middle of stuffing a cupcake into her mouth, and Fluttershy and frosting smudged over her face._

 _Pinkie Pie quickly swallowed the cupcake. "It's for a good cause!" She insisted. "How else are we supposed to know if the cupcakes are contaminated?"_  
 _"It's a tough job," Added Fluttershy, "But someone has to do it."_  
 _Rarity rolled her eyes. "Well, then, let me 'relieve' you of your investigation for an hour or two and stretch your legs in a nice cave."_  
 _"Nah." Said Pinkie._

 _"Is it dark?" Whispered Fluttershy._  
 _"Yes."_  
 _"Then no."_  
 _"Pleeeeaaasssseeeee?"_

 _"No."_  
 _Rarity stomped her hoof, at her wit's end. "Oh, I don't know why I even bother! You're useless! Completely useless! To wimpy to even go into a silly little cave that might have unspeakable danger! I HOPE that those cupcakes are what's causing the problem, so nobody will ever have to put up with you doofuses!"_  
 _Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy's jaws dropped. Then they exchanged a glance._  
 _"Well," Said Pinkie, calmly biting into her cupcake, "If that's how you're going to be."_  
 _"You can just leave." muttered Fluttershy, sulking over her plate._

 _"Nonononono!" Rarity wailed, immediately regretting her outburst. "Let's not be hasty! I need your help!"_

 _"Gee, Fluttershy," Pinkie remarked, "Why would Rarity want our help?"_  
 _"We're just useless doofuses." Fluttershy huffed._

"Well, that was a little mean of us." Fluttershy commented.  
"But Fluttershy," Said Twilight, "Rarity was mean first."

"And how! A lady does not lose her temper in public!" Rarity sniffed.

"Temper, schmemper! It happens to all of us!" Rainbow Dash told her.  
"It's the principal of the thing, Rainbow Dash." Rarity explained. "Have you ever lost it? I mean, really, really, lost it?"  
"Sure! The time with Nightmare Moon, the time with the dragon, the time with Tirek, the time with Discord-"  
"I mean, really, really, lost it, Rainbow." Rarity explained. "Not at some leering opponent, but at one of us, or an innocent passerby."

"Eh…" Rainbow pondered.

"See?" Rarity asked triumphantly.

"Now look who's holdin' up the movie!" Applejack grunted.

Rarity blushed. "Sorry, dearest. Everyone ready?"  
Everyone was, so Rarity resumed the film.

 _"You really are just interested in the sweets, aren't you?"_  
 _"And the parties!"_  
 _"Don't forget the animals."_  
 _This proved to be the last straw for Rarity. "Grr! Fine! I'll go do this myself! I'll figure it all out all by myself, and then you'll wish you came!"_  
 _"Alright."_  
 _"Fine."_  
 _Rarity turned and made for the exit. "I mean it!" She called over her shoulder. "Last chance to be on the winning team!"_  
 _"No thanks!"_  
 _"Have fun!"_  
 _"Last chance to, I don't know...prove to me that you're not...useless doofuses?"_

 _Pinkie sipped on her milkshake._

 _"Very well!" Rarity said. "I'm off!" She shouted, striding off out the door. "Out to venture to the dangerous…" Her stride faltered. "Possibly lethal…" She slowed down. "D-death trap…" She stood before the door, not opening it, but not turning back either. Then she abruptly whipped around and galloped back to Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy's table. "PLEASE! I'M SORRY! I'LL DO ANYTHING! JUST DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS ALONE! I MAY BE USEFUL, BUT I'm not STUPID!"_  
 _Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy stared down at her passively._

 _"Why don't you just have AJ or Twilight help you?" Fluttershy asked._

 _"Yeah?" Asked Pinkie. "Why bother with 'useless doofuses' like us?"_  
 _"Because Twilight and Applejack will see it as a sign of weakness on my part!" Rarity ground out. "But you...you're different. You're kind and fun and silly. And you're not useless. You brighten my day and everyone's day. You are a blessing, and I have missed you so, so, much."_  
"Aaawwww," Cooed Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity.

Rainbow Dash made a face. "Yuck." She relented a bit when Pinkie Pie wrapped a forehoof around her and gave her a squeeze.

 _But now, I ask for your assistance," Rarity concluded. "So will you join me?" Rarity stuck out her hoof._

 _Pinkie and Fluttershy stared at her blankly._

 _"Mmm...no thanks." Pinkie said finally._

 _"Maybe later." Fluttershy whispered._

 _"Gah!" Rarity facehoofed with frustration. "You...YOU! You! You…" Rarity's voice trailed off as she eyed Pinkie preparing to wave down a waiter._

 _"You will each receive a plate of deep fried clover turnovers with chocolate sauce."_  
 _Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy looked at eachother, then at Rarity expectantly._

 _Rarity rolled her eyes. "TWO plates of deep fried clover turnovers with extra chocolate sauce each, AND a plate for Fluttershy's animal friends."_

 _Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie's faces morphed into identical grins._

"She knows her stuff alright." Said Pinkie Pie approvingly.

"But _clover_? With _chocolate_ sauce?" Twilight sounded rather repulsed.

A/N: Another day, another chapter. I'm starting school now, so updates will take longer.

 **PS: Movie!Dash exists. (Fair Warning: You probably won't be very happy. At all.)**


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